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Loving you, made me lose love for myself

Posted on 27 June 2016

We all search for love, and we're all taught that one of our main life goals, is to find a significant other, date them for a period of time, get married, have kids, and live "happily ever after". But we all know it isn't as simple as that. Most of the times, the relationships go over bumpy roads, leading to the end of the road, but sometimes we're so focused on trying to make the relationship work that we lose perspective of who we are. We focus on insuring that our significant other is happy that we become unhappy ourselves. We start to lose sight of who we are, because we're so focused on who our significant other wants us to be, and by the end of the relationship, you've forgotten who you are completely.

So what do you do when the relationship is over, and you're left with me, myself, and I? Where do you begin your search in finding yourself again?

After my 2 year relationship came to an end, I, like everyone else, resorted to going out and drinking until the sun came up. Clearly, this wasn't the best way to cope with the pain because all though it numbed the pain for the night; in the morning I didn't just feel the heartache, I felt the headache of a major hangover as well. 

I started to realize that this party life wasn't for me, and I had to think about what is for me? It was a Friday night and I found myself in bed, in complete silence. I sat there thinking about my life, my goals, my dreams. Is finding a partner my only goal? Why am I so obsessed in finding a Mr. Right? I sat there talking to myself and thinking until sun rays began to shine through my blinds. It was in that instance that I realized, it was the first time in a while that I've seen the sun rise sober.

I questioned my priorities, and made myself new goals. I started to think about goals that would help better myself. I made realistic goals that would be possible to accomplish within a year, and then started to write how I'd be able to achieve these goals.

As I began focusing my time on MY life and not anyone else, I was able to see myself again. I began to see myself smile more, laugh more, and overall just enjoy my own company. I always blamed myself for my failed relationships, always assuming I was the reason why the relationship didn't work out. I hated myself, thinking that I wasn't good enough, and that's the reason why the relationship's failed. 

As the year went by,  I surprised myself by being able to check off goals that I've accomplished before the year even ended. I was able to accomplish so much on my own, when I always felt that I needed someone else's help to accomplish these goals. My confidence rose, with every checkmark made.

Time passed and I found myself sitting in bed once again on a Friday night. Like the last time, I was talking to myself and thinking. I stayed up thinking about how far I've come, and I thought about how much I've grown. I thought about how happy i've become, and how I was able to make myself happy. There was no need for someone else to make me happy, when I had the ability to do it on my very own. Sun rays began to shine through my window once again. I laid myself down in bed, and thought to myself, "sometimes the sunshine we are looking for, is within us the entire time." 


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